Joke file
April 4, 2012
Knock knock
Wanna hear a knock knock joke?
Sure.
OK, you start it…
Fungi
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over and says, ‘I’m sorry sir, but we can’t serve you.’
The mushroom sits back and asks, ‘Why not? I’m a fun-gi!’
Monkey
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
“There’s no call for that,” the man says. “You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Wasabi
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasa…bi?
Heisenberg
A cop stops Heisenberg while driving. He walks up to the car and says “I stopped you because you were going 105.”
“You idiot!”, says Heisenberg. “Now I’m lost!”
Kleptomaniacs
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Redshift
My favorite bumper sticker (in red): “If this looks blue, you’re driving too fast”
There goes your boat
A team of explorers is captured by a cannibal tribe and brought before the chief. The chief tells them that they will be killed and eaten, and their skins will be made into boats, but because they had fought so bravely each man could kill himself by a method of his own choosing.
The first explorer, an Englishman, says “I choose a pistol.” He is given a gun, puts it to his head, says “God save the Queen!” and shoots himself.
The second explorer, a Frenchman, says “I choose a sword.” One is provided, he shouts “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
The last explorer, a New Yorker, says “Gimme a fork!” The chief is surprised, but provides him with one. The New Yorker grabs the fork and furiously stabs himself all over, until blood is pouring from every square inch of his body.
With his last breath, he turns to the astonished chief and snarls.
“There goes your @$!@$# boat!”